


monsters

by noloveleft



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Happy Harry, Hearing Voices, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Sad, Sad Louis, anorexia implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-29
Updated: 2014-10-29
Packaged: 2018-02-21 03:49:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2453618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noloveleft/pseuds/noloveleft
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>he sat with me<br/>smiled<br/>and maybe for one<br/>little moment in my life<br/>i felt wanted</p>
            </blockquote>





	monsters

**Author's Note:**

> This took me over a year and I'm not sure why.

the monsters  
trapped in my head  
they won’t rest  
at night they come out to play  
running ramped in my mind  
resting is not an option  
i’m afraid

the days  
are long  
the monsters take their rest  
but only for a while  
they come out  
they call to me  
_ugly_  
_worthless_  
_unlovable_  
_nothing_  
i shouldn't think they  
are right but they are

the days they stay hidden  
those are my favorite  
no names  
the day is better  
the nights  
sleep finally comes  
but then the monsters  
they  
wake  
up

help  
that is what is needed  
no one can  
hear  
the pleas i make  
all the while  
the monsters are dancing  
in my head  
taunting me  
and i keep yelling help  
but no one seems to hear

the day it happened  
it was a bad day  
the monsters at their worst  
the day  
was bad  
my eyes lifeless  
and dull  
no one bothered to see  
they had only looked on  
the surface  
not bothering to look under  
the exterior  
dragging my feet on the ground  
with my head down  
walking alone  
then i was  
on the ground  
hearing the buzzing of  
apologies  
mixed with the voices of the monsters  
the only thing that stuck  
in my mind was a name  
_harry styles_

the day went on  
still with the monsters  
yelling in my head  
it got worse when i went home  
home  
somewhere that monsters won’t get to you  
right?  
no  
they were at their best  
no sleep  
for hours  
until a little voice  
said a name  
a name that put the monsters  
to rest  
_harry styles_

the monsters they  
came back  
when my mind  
wasn't thinking  
they come at full speed  
to them  
i’m just a pawn in their  
sick game  
they want me to fail  
they want to see the blood run  
down the drain  
like it has so many times before  
they want to see me all the way down  
i like to think i am strong but that  
would be a lie  
and they get their wish  
it satisfies them  
they are quiet  
and sleep can finally come to me

i saw _him_ once again  
perfect as ever  
curly hair  
bright green eyes  
full of life  
and me  
flat dull brown hair  
my lifeless blue eyes  
he was perfect  
and i was  
just a boy  
that had to keep pulling  
down the sleeves  
of his shirts

sometimes music  
music  
would drown out the voices of  
the monsters  
it was like my only sanctuary  
sitting in a quiet library  
with my headphones on  
as loud as they would go  
those were some of the days  
that i now lived for  
i liked to drown in  
music and books  
they kept the monsters at bay  
not for long but just long enough  
for me to focus on  
something else  
that was when i saw _him_  
for a third time  
he walked in with his  
backpack  
i kept pleading for him to leave  
that’s when they came back  
_worthless_  
_coward_  
_wimp_  
_freak_  
_vile_  
_useless_  
i tore my eyes away  
my breath ragged  
i wasn't going to do anything  
not here at least  
breathing felt like the last thing  
to do right now  
but  
why  
why was i even like this  
what was wrong with me  
why can’t i be normal  
i couldn't bring any of  
the pieces together  
so i left

that night the monsters almost pushed me  
over the edge  
i sat there  
looking at the red  
droplets now  
in the sink  
i was tempted  
to go again  
and again  
until i sank into  
oblivion  
so why couldn't i  
my mind was so  
confused  
the monsters were yelling  
_just do it already_  
_you know you want to_  
_don’t be afraid_  
_why are you still here_  
for once i don’t know  
why i didn't listen

i could feel the stares  
they were directed  
towards my arms  
i could feel it  
they were covered though  
i couldn’t figure it  
out  
i just felt  
as if everyone  
thought  
i was a freak  
my mind was fighting with itself  
when i suddenly found myself knocked  
on the ground  
_again_  
i heard the person  
and knew who it was  
_harry_  
he was talking when  
he thought  
he knew  
me  
i tried  
to say he didn't  
but he said he did  
i couldn't fight anymore  
some days i was tired of fighting

 _harry_ had always  
tried to talk to me  
i usually stayed quiet  
listening to him  
he always tried to make  
me laugh  
it worked  
well i would smile  
then the _monsters_ would return  
_ugly_  
_worthless_  
_weird_  
_stupid_  
_trash_  
_pathetic_  
_fucking queer_  
then i would stop smiling  
and  
he would tell  
me  
_you look lovely when you smile_  
my breath would hitch  
and  
just to please him  
i would smile  
again  
ignoring the painful stabs of the  
monsters

the days i  
was with  
_harry_  
the monsters were  
quiet enough  
to where i could  
politely ignore them  
when i wasn't with him  
they kept coming back  
stronger than ever  
it was like all the time  
they were silent they had time  
to plot against  
me  
_he doesn’t like you even as a friend_  
_you are a worthless piece of shit_  
_no one would ever want you_  
_you will go unloved_  
_you are a messed up freak_  
_look at what you are doing_  
_why would anyone want to love you after you did this_  
and i look at the bathroom sink  
stained with red  
with the blood from  
my arms  
it was like keeping tallies  
whenever i would win  
there was nothing new  
and when the monsters won  
there would be _tally_ mark after _tally_ mark  
just showing how many times  
_they_ had really won

the day it started bad  
the monsters  
wouldn't be quiet  
_worthless_  
_stupid_  
_ugly_  
_disgusting_  
_grotesque_  
_nothing_  
i tried the best i could  
to not let them get to me  
everything  
music  
books  
anything to keep my mind busy  
i kept panting in short breaths  
my stomach giving me  
wrenching pains  
but they went ignored  
and then when i think i needed him the most  
_harry_ walked in  
he saw me  
and smiled  
_that smile isn't for you_  
_remember that_  
_you are worthless_  
he sat with me  
smiled  
and maybe for one  
little moment in my life  
i felt _wanted_

 _harry_ told me one day  
that we needed to talk  
_see you are a worthless piece of nothing_  
_you are so unlovable_  
_the most disgusting human being_  
_why would anything or anyone want you_  
i was nervous  
and the monsters only fueled that flame  
i sat for a while unknowing  
pulling down the sleeves  
of my shirt  
to hide the _tally_ marks of the monsters  
then _harry_ walked in  
with his face serious  
he saw me and managed to crack  
a small smile  
_you are nothing to him_  
_don’t fall for that trap_  
_you are unlovable_  
he started to talk to me normally  
then he said something i thought  
that would never  
come out of his mouth  
_louis, i’m gay_  
i didn't say anything  
or do anything  
this obviously scared him  
he fidgeted in his seat  
he was worried  
he said something that i would never  
be able to say to anyone  
i received the information and  
mustered my best smile  
instant relief flooded his face  
and we talked more before he left  
_you're worthless_  
_don’t start believing that you are special_  
_you aren't anything to anyone_  
i left for home with a defeated smile  
the monsters won  
again

the night was filled with  
tossing  
and turning  
_they_ just wouldn't let me sleep  
_they_ hadn't been satisfied enough  
_they_ somehow needed more  
i just couldn’t take it  
i was suffocating in a room full of air  
my mind  
buzzing  
and spinning  
everything coming at me all at once  
running out of the  
room  
through the  
front door  
out to the fresh air  
i was actually breathing for a moment  
then the monsters came back  
i could never escape them  
i think  
that is what they really  
wanted

i wasn't expecting anything  
nothing  
i wanted to sleep all day  
the monsters had finally stopped  
and i was so tired  
i just wish it would stop  
the warmth of the blanket was coaxing  
me back to sleep  
then the rays  
of sunshine coming out of the window didn't  
let me stay that way  
the day dragged on endlessly  
nothing insight  
then there was this loneliness  
that i hadn't had in a while  
the monsters were still up to no good but  
loneliness was something i only felt when i was  
desperate  
i didn't want to feel like that at all  
but no one would help  
i tried to get help  
all the time  
but everyone thought that i had made it up  
no one would give me the time of day  
they went around thinking  
_he is alright_  
_it’s a phase_  
_let’s believe him when he says “i’m fine”_  
i tried to tell people that i needed  
help but no one would they just turned their heads  
this made everything even worse  
i felt like i was drowning  
and no one  
was their to save  
me

when _harry_ revealed his secret to me  
i think he felt like he could  
be more himself  
he started acting more  
_boyish_  
if that’s even possible  
me  
i was still  
quiet  
_insignificant_  
little  
louis

i tried to fit in  
all my life  
always trying and failing  
it never seemed to work for me  
i think that was when the monsters came and  
it was horrible  
but  
when am i with _harry_  
i am a little more at peace  
he is like my anchor  
for my little delusional boat that  
that can never seem to  
make it to shore

the day is bad  
nothing is any good about it  
the monsters they are at full blast  
not even harry could fix this problem  
so here i sit alone  
staring at the wall  
_alone_  
_helpless_  
_failure_  
_why don't you just go and do it already_  
_please that would everyone a huge favor_  
i sat there  
and listened  
and did something i hadn't done in a while  
i cried  
i fucking _cried_  
i started bawling my eyes out  
it was just so much  
this time

the day i spent with _harry_  
was good  
i was so drained  
and tired  
they just wouldn't go away  
_worthless_  
_stupid_  
_dumb_  
_hopeless_  
_no wonder no one wants to help you_  
_you should've done it while you you had the chance_  
my mind so jumbled i couldn't think  
i only felt the stinging of my arms  
against the material of my shirt  
i was careless  
the  
shirt  
was  
inching  
its  
way  
up  
my  
arm  
then i felt another hand in mine  
grazing over my fingers  
_his_ fingers running over the  
length of my arm  
i just noticed what happened  
pulling away  
the tears threatening to spill  
but this boy  
always  
has a surprise  
he gently took my arm  
looking at it  
running his fingers over the old  
the new  
and then muttered  
_beautiful_  
_so fucking beautiful_

that night  
i was  
home  
_harry_ had surprised me  
i wasn't ready for what he said  
that didn't stop him  
but later it did encourage the monsters  
_you know that is a lie_  
_stop being so fucking ignorant_  
_you need to be fixed in more ways than one_  
_you are a failure_  
after  
that point i couldn't take it  
tears running down my face  
the cold metal in my hand  
looking at my arms then my face  
down my body  
noticing  
every  
flaw  
_too much fat here_  
_my body is the wrong shape_  
_nose to big_  
_hands to small_  
_so short_  
_fuck_  
_fuck_  
_fuck_  
that's when it was  
done  
i didn't know something as simple as lines  
could hurt so much  
then i heard something  
but  
it wasn't from  
**my** monsters  
maybe  
it  
was like me  
so little  
and insignificant  
that maybe it didn't matter  
it  
was  
incredible  
it  
whispered  
_beautiful_

i was so confused  
nothing made sense  
i had no idea where that came from  
it just  
came out  
but i still confused  
i was so out of it lately  
i never had enough focus on anything  
i was very light headed all the time too  
i tried to be with harry  
but i couldn't focus on anything that  
he was saying  
i think he noticed  
he tried to get my attention more and more  
i just didn't know what was making me  
be like this  
maybe it my nights  
maybe it was the fact that at night i  
couldn't sleep  
i tried desperately to get to a place where  
i could slip away into serene comfort  
but right when i thought i was safe  
the monsters would come out  
again  
_piece of shit_  
_no one loves you_  
_you are the biggest reject_  
_why can’t you be like everyone else_  
_be normal for once_  
_don’t be you_  
_be the normal one everyone else wants_  
i looked at _harry_  
he was looking down at something  
his phone  
a book maybe  
i didn't know  
but i did know that  
i couldn't bare to look at him anymore  
he looked so at peace  
i just turned away  
looking at my  
sleeves  
wondering why  
_harry_ even bothered  
to be around me  
i couldn't think of a good reason  
so i continued to stare at my sleeves  
then looked down to my legs  
the stinging of the fabric against  
the newly formed lines  
they  
just wouldn’t stop  
_worthless_  
_unloveable_  
_peice of shit_  
_you don’t mean anything to him_  
_just stop right now_  
_you know what can happen_  
_such a fuck up_  
_can’t even take control_  
_why do you bother to exist_  
i couldn’t take it  
chair scraping the floor  
the sound of feet hitting the ground  
running  
and running  
then release  
the salty  
tears come  
they don’t stop  
then  
something  
incredible  
a  
pair  
of  
arms  
wrapped  
around  
me  
as i cry  
my body  
shuttering  
against the  
other one  
grasping on to the body  
underneath me  
i cry  
i _really_ cry

my night for once  
is spent in peace  
only my red  
puffy eyes  
from crying  
nothing in my mind  
nothing but sleep  
darkness  
nothing  
just simply nothing  
and it hurts

understanding why i do this  
is a mystery  
some days  
i will taunt myself with the thought of death  
going to the bridge  
i sit on the edge with my feet hanging towards the  
street below  
just looking over  
many just stop  
to see  
me  
none actually  
come to see if i’m okay  
its like  
i’m invisible and they only  
see a broken scarred boy sitting  
on the bridge

 _harry_ and i spend a lot more  
time together  
and i am really trying this time to be friends with him  
he is really the only person who knows me  
_really_ knows me  
that day we were out it was raining  
and we made our way across the street  
i am not sure why _he_ did what he did  
but  
he  
grabbed  
my  
hand  
i was shocked  
not that anything could come of it  
but  
_wow_

the next time we were out  
we had been  
in the park  
it was sunny for once  
we were in the grass  
sitting  
laying down on a blanket  
when _harry_  
just  
decided to come closer  
to me  
and  
snuggle  
into my side  
_fucking_  
snuggle

that night  
was an unforgettable one  
harry  
came to mine  
we watched movies  
and the monsters  
just started  
_you are such a fucking failure_  
_why is harry even hanging out with you_  
_its because he feels sorry for you_  
_don’t believe the shit he tells you, its not true_  
_you are just some fucking closet queer_  
_just another fuck up in the world_  
_it’d be a better place without you_  
then some lonely  
tears  
it was all for nothing  
why was i even crying  
it didn’t make sense  
i felt _harry’s_ body shift  
then i was staring the curly haired boy  
in the eyes  
we sat  
he  
came  
foreword  
and  
stopped  
only  
looking  
into each others eyes  
then he did  
something incredible  
i could feel  
his hot breath on my cold lips  
then it happened  
as quick as leaning in  
he  
kissed  
me  
and  
i  
kissed  
him  
back

i thought he would leave  
but  
he stayed  
after  
we kissed  
he stayed  
the night  
even  
it was something else  
i loved it  
it may have been the first thing i  
actually loved

it happened one day  
_harry_ and i, sitting on the couch  
at least a cushion  
between us  
i felt the couch dip and looked left and  
he was sitting next to me  
nothing was said  
he just grabbed my hand and  
we  
sat  
there  
in  
complete  
silence  
we slowly  
became this  
thing  
nothing was ever said about it  
but we just kinda  
were together  
i was happy  
i’d like to think that _harry_ was happy too

i just couldn't believe  
it  
nothing good had happened  
in my life  
for a while  
it was just a  
constant battle  
then _harry_ happened and it got  
better

the day _they_ returned  
it  
was  
a  
nightmare  
it started like a  
normal “good”  
day  
happy  
then it happened  
just something that  
i wasn't  
ready they had been gone  
for a while  
_you are a fucking failure_  
_unlovable_  
_piece of shit_  
_such a fuck up_  
_he doesn't love you_  
i needed someone  
anyone  
but  
no  
one  
was  
there  
i lost it

i went back to being that boy  
that feared everything and everyone  
_harry_ noticed  
he would always ask  
_what’s wrong_  
_are you okay_  
_you’re not going back to what you used to be are you_  
and i would answer  
_nothing_  
_i’m fine_  
_no you don’t have to worry about that_  
but they were all lies  
anything and everything that i was saying  
i wanted to tell someone  
but _they_ controlled me now

it was such a stupid thing  
i admit  
people that had better reasons  
but i was the one that  
would watch the droplets of blood hit the  
floor and cry  
i had no reason  
but still at the end of the day  
i listened to _them_

it came to it again when  
i would start  
wearing long sleeves all the time  
at first i thought _harry_ didn't notice  
but he did  
he asked me about it  
i lied  
but all this time he knew what was under the sleeves of  
my shirts  
i think i felt guilty to hide it  
but i couldn't have anyone know

the night sweats  
started again  
waking on the middle of the night  
_fucking useless_  
_why don’t you go off yourself_  
_why are you even here on this planet_  
_you don’t deserve that boy_  
_he doesn't even love you_  
_you are the biggest piece of shit_  
_unlovable_  
_stop trying_  
i  
watched the droplets  
hit the floor and  
i cried

nothing was making any sense  
my life was falling apart at the seams  
i tried hard not to return to the scared boy i once was  
i think _harry_ was trying to avoid me in  
those final days  
but i never really asked i just assumed  
i had been making trips to  
my bridge more often  
thinking  
writing  
trying not to cry

i woke up to a headache  
and an empty bed  
_fucking failure_  
_what a piece of shit_  
_you are fucking useless_  
_worthless_  
_disgusting_  
_waste of space_  
_fag_  
_no one wants you around_  
i got up and looked out the window  
there was life moving in rapid amounts  
i just didn’t know what to do  
it was all so  
so  
so  
bright  
closing the curtains  
i made my way to lay on the bed  
until i felt it was safe  
to come out and play  
the room slowly turned from  
a dull lite color to pitch black  
it felt as if i was using all my energy to get out of bed  
like i had weights tying me down to the bed  
but i had to do what i had to do  
the bathroom is where i had saw what i had become  
i had dark circles around my eyes  
there were some new raw cuts  
i was bony  
my hair disheveled  
but i wasn't focused on that  
i was focused on the medicine cabinet beside me  
reaching out my hand was shaking  
_am i really going to do this_  
was going through my mind as i unscrewed the caps  
to the orange  
pill bottles  
_yes you are_  
_no one wants you to be alive_  
_you are nothing_  
_no one loves you_  
_you are all alone_  
the bottle was finished and it dropped at my feet  
i started to cry again

 _thebridgethebridgethebridge_  
walking down the streets was lonely at night  
no one to disrupt you  
but fuck was it cold  
_keepwalking_  
i would stumble and fall  
every once in a while  
i was scared  
that i would never reach the bridge and just  
die here on these dirty streets  
_keepwalking_  
there it was  
something so perfect yet strangely  
deadly  
i took a step up up  
i stood there for a moment  
the wind sending chills through my body  
_fuckfuck_  
it was scary  
_why am i standing here i shouldn’t be here_  
panicky breaths left my mouth  
this was wrong  
it didn’t feel right  
_you know it’s right_  
_no one loves you_  
_you piece of shit_  
_waste of space_  
_stop trying and let go_  
_worthless_  
_stupid_  
_ugly_  
_disgusting_  
i clutched my stomach from the pain  
i fell to my knees  
losing my balance  
tumbling down  
everything seemed to go  
in slow motion  
what had seemed so easy before  
turned into what seemed forever  
but what i heard right before  
i hit the concrete  
made me rethink everything  
it  
whispered  
_beautiful_

**Author's Note:**

> So there is a lot of italics in this story and if you were reading and they are not there and you were confused I'm sorry
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated :)


End file.
